Things you didn’t understand about the alcoholic in your life

Things I didn't know about the alcoholic
What are or were the things you didn’t understand about the alcoholic in your life?
I’m assuming quite a lot. It can be hard to make sense of their behaviour and choices they make.  As a child of course it’s the only life you knew, but I’m guessing at times you knew it wasn’t right. 
I never really understood why he didn’t want to be “part of” the family. Why he would be by himself all the time and why he didn’t want to spend time with me. 
Even though I spent a really long time feeling afraid of my Dad, I don’t think it was like that from the beginning, I can’t really remember when I was a lot younger, but I do seem to mainly remember the bad. 

Questions and few answers

What I had in my small world was a lot of questions. I would think about why my Dad didn’t like me but I never actually asked him that. I was a child, I couldn’t make sense of things at that age. 
Things you didn't understand about the alcoholic in your ilfe
Image by : Jon Tyson from Unsplash

 

He was someone that had very high standards, set ways of doing things, how I should behave and feel. Living up to all that was a tall order, and pretty much most of the time I felt like I failed him. He didn’t exactly go out of his way to reassure me and tell me otherwise. 
To him things had to be perfect, I didn’t know why. Cleaning my bike within an inch of it’s life should have been good enough, it wasn’t. So what was he looking for, what did he want in me?
My Dad had funny nuances about him which I won’t ever understand, why didn’t he talk about anything? Why was he so angry, I never really understood that. Why was religion such an issue for him and what made him react to massively to it whenever it was talked about?

Alcoholic’s actions don’t always make sense

I’d say we can probably be safe in saying that drinkers aren’t thinking about their actions, whether they make sense or not. They aren’t thinking about whether they hurt anyone around them. They’re unwell, they’re drinking so they don’t have pain, without the drink they have pain so it makes sense really doesn’t it. 
Families and others affected by someone’s drinking try to make sense “logically” of an illogical situation. There is no “clear thinking or sound reasoning”.  It’s very simple. 
Drink = No Pain
No Drink = Pain
This might have been one of the things you didn’t understand about the alcoholic in your life. I know I didn’t. Although no one ever explained it in that way to me. Actually I didn’t really get much explanation for much of what went on in my home. That was one of my biggest frustrations, what I saw and what I was told didn’t add up. 
Talk about confused!

What would you ask now?

If you could ask the alcoholic in your life a question about something you didn’t understand, what would it be?
I think I’d ask “What was so wrong with me, that you just couldn’t show me the love I longed for?”

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Next Steps

If you’d like to chat then do get in touch, I’m happy to gift you some time. Simply email jo@johuey.co.uk or call (07732) 403305. 
Remember you aren’t alone and you can always join my Daughters of Alcoholics Facebook group, where other daughters of alcoholics support each other with challenges they experience from the past or present.  You may have lived with an alcoholic in your past, but it’s still impacting you in the present. 
I also run the Two Roads Travelled podcast with my sister, click here to find out more. 

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