My journey through my Mom’s alcoholism

My Journey through my Mums alcoholism
When I was younger, unfortunately I became aware of my mothers alcoholism at a very young age. Of course, as a kid, you get extremely worried for your parents when something’s not right. When her words would slur, and she couldn’t walk I would get scared for her. I remember crying because I didn’t want her to leave, and being told I was selfish for not wanting her to go out.

Take care of your mother

This would be a reoccurring thing. Morning, Evening, Afternoon, Night time. We would go over to someone’s house while my mom went out to party. Then when she would return she would be absolutely out of it. A different person. She would wake up from hangovers, and be the meanest person ever. She would also wake up sick, and when I didn’t want to be left alone with her, I would be told “take care of your mother. Make sure she’s ok.”
I absolutely hated that statement so much, and over time I started to hate her along with everyone else who played a part in her addiction. I never wanted her to come up to my school, go out in public with her, or even ride with her in the car. It would be  extremely embarrassing, and dangerous.

The Impact on me

I developed social, mental, trust, and relationship issues. After being emotionally, and physically abused. I could never let anyone know my life at home because why would anyone else care in the first place. The only advice they gave was useless. Drawing, playing video games, and daydreaming were my go to – to escape.
Even when we went homeless my mom still drank. Got kicked out by my aunt because my mom would ignore, and talk about her. We stayed at the enablers house once again, and she told me she would stop when she wanted.
After that statement I started dissociating again. My grandmother passed. My mom used that as an excuse to keep heavily drinking. I was depressed, angry, and tired of life for a very long time.
I lost most empathy for my mother. My stepfather played a role in this too. They were both alcoholics. At one point I decided whenever she drank I would stop all contact. I would still somewhat talk to her, I would not hug her, and created a boundary. It’s crazy that they never apologized for the pain they caused, and even when my mom did apologize she really didn’t mean it. It’s like she didn’t really take my feelings into consideration. Being ignored after a confrontation, on my birthday, called names, etc. The promises made over and over again.
There would be times where she would be sober, but those days wouldn’t last long. I remember going over her enablers house. My mom at the time was trying to stop drinking/smoking…at least that’s what I thought. Her enabler would say things like “I need a smoke” out loud. When they would come back from driving it would be obvious she was drinking. I was ready to go home. Her enabler would sit there and watch. They’d tell me to just let things happen and use the excuse that everything happens for a reason. Like why wouldn’t you want to put your child through all of that? I understand that you had a bad childhood, but that didn’t give her an excuse to be a crappy parent.

Take it seriously

It all never seemed fair. Never seemed like anyone really took the situation seriously. Especially when being told that they were worried, but all they did was gossip. I eventually stopped venting to family as well.

Me now

I’m still struggling mentally with some things, because there’s definitely more to tell. I developed unhealthy habits, like not eating, staying up late, meeting up with strangers, not taking care of myself, etc. I got a therapist, but had to let her go. Like I said before most of the time what runs through my head is that no one would really care about what happened/what is still happening. Not my friends. Not my family. Not anyone, and that it also wouldn’t help talking with anyone. Now that I’m older I feel somewhat free, but also stuck with these emotions. Especially with seeing that she still drinks. I wish it were that easy to just let go. All I know is that I’m somewhat ok now, and that I’m taking everything in day by day.

Next Steps

If you’d like to chat then do get in touch, I’m happy to gift you some time. Simply email jo@johuey.co.uk or call (07732) 403305.
Remember you aren’t alone and you can always join my Daughters of Alcoholics Facebook group, where other daughters of alcoholics support each other with challenges they experience from the past or present.  You may have lived with an alcoholic in your past, but it’s still impacting you in the present.
I also run the Two Roads Travelled podcast with my sister, click here to find out more.

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