If only you could live with in a home of alcoholism and things would be simple. The chaos living with a drinker can be too much for many families. If you haven’t watched my short video on Chaos you can do that by clicking here.
The unpredictability, drama and incidents that happen become all too frequent for some and it’s hard to know what to do. How to be, feel, react and even exist.
What is chaos?
Complete disorder and confusion
How does chaos look and feel?
When you experience the chaos living with a drinker, you get really good at expecting it. I’m not sure we get good at dealing with it, that can take time and effort.
Chaos can be in the physical environment, or emotionally. When I was living with my Dad’s alcohol misuse, as a child it felt very confusing. There was a lot of up and down’s, unknowns and he’d change his mind from one moment to the next.
I couldn’t trust him to do what he said, he would promise something, then just not do it because he didn’t feel like it. As a child that didn’t make any sense to me, so then I start going inwards and blaming myself. What had I done?
Some drinkers can be very chaotic, they can be in the home, then not. Awake, then asleep. Talkative then isolate themselves. They say they’ll change then don’t and go back and forth with that over and over.
For some families the drinkers are involved in crime in some way, maybe promiscuous behaviour, taking more risks that usual, inviting people into the house that the rest of the family feel uncomfortable around. This can go on and on for years.
It’s not always major events and actions that cause the chaos, for me it’s the constant changes, the constant unpredictability and disorder in the home.
Emotionally it’s a roller coaster, you may feel connected for a moment in time, then the next minute the worse person on the planet. They may love you one minute then hate you the next. Praise you then criticise you and all of this is slowly chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence.
How the chaos impacts you
Everyone will interpret the chaos in the own homes differently. What feels chaotic to one person may not to another. What I would also say at this point is, that if you’re around chaos and anything for that matter for a long time and frequently enough, it’s normal to you.
You may not realise at times you’re in a chaotic situation, you can also sub-consciously attract chaos into your life because it’s familiar and normal. When you have awareness around your life and learn even more about yourself, you’ll start to identify it and how it shows up in your life.
If you’ve lived in a fairly chaotic environment as a child then you may well attract that as an adult. Whether that’s chaotic relationships with partners, friends or just living a chaotic life with lots of disorder and confusion.
Maybe you always feel like you move from one issue to another, struggle to cope when things do come up or feel life’s falling apart when something happens.
Help to identify the chaos in your life
Whether you live with a drinker now or not, the impact is long lasting in a lot of cases. For many years I attracted it in my life. Dramas with friends and partners, arguments, complicating the simple things, struggling to make decisions and making a mountain out of a molehill.
When I realised that I was living a life that was complicated all the time, and my part in it I started to work on simplifying it. I developed more self-esteem and realised it wasn’t my job to rescue everyone. I learnt to say no with boundaries and understand more about myself.
Once I started to do that, I noticed changes. I actually wanted to avoid drama and attract calm. I crave calm now and can’t stand being in situations which are over the top and drama centred.
Here are some thoughts for you:
- What areas of your life do you feel could be simpler?
- Do you find yourself making something more complicated than it needs to be, but justify your need to complicate it?
- Are you over committing and then struggling to keep up?
- How often do you say yes to things when you could say no?
- Look at your decision making, are you choosing the drama?
Remember you aren’t alone and you can always join my Change Your Mind Facebook group, where other families of alcoholics support each other with challenges they experience from the past or present. You may have lived with an alcoholic in your past, but it’s still impacting you in the present.